


Feline Favors

by stuckoncloud9



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:47:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28634217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckoncloud9/pseuds/stuckoncloud9
Summary: Sometimes even Batman requires outside assistance.
Relationships: Edward Nygma/Bruce Wayne
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. How do you address a cat?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jovialJuggernaut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jovialJuggernaut/gifts).



> All credit for this fic concept goes to the excellent jovialJuggernaut! Thank you again for the awesome art. Just now as I am typing this note am I realizing how fitting it is that this is also cat-themed. I don't know how I didn't pick up on that before. In my defense, I did write this at midnight.

Selina crept back in through her apartment window. It had been a beautiful night, by Gotham standards, and she was pleased to see that the soft glow of the moonlight was illuminating her living room.

“Selina.”

Although perhaps the moon wasn’t illuminating enough. A lesser cat burglar might have jumped at the sound of that gravelly baritone, but Selina managed not to flinch at all as she turned to face the shadows behind her with a glare. 

“You should be careful who you do that to, Bruce,” she said, slightly more frustration slipping into her voice than she’d intended. “Someone might scratch your eyes out someday.”

“I’ll take that under advisement,” he said, stepping out into the moonlight. Bruce looked as serious ever, dressed to the battiest of nines and glowering like Selina’s apartment was a funeral parlor. 

Selina sniffed dismissively, scooping Isis out from under her couch and lowering herself gracefully onto the cushions. “I don’t know how Eddie stands you,” she said, kissing the black cat’s forehead and glancing back up at the Bat disdainfully. “You’d think he would have put a bell on you by now.”

Something about the combination of “Eddie” and “bell” made the corner of Bruce’s mouth turn up in the ghost of a smirk, and Selina suddenly felt the compulsion to change the subject as quickly as possible.

“How’d you find me, anyway?” Selina asked, curious despite herself. “God knows I didn’t tell you where I’m living.”

“I know where everybody lives,” Bruce said. His flat delivery was as creepy as he doubtlessly intended, though demonstrably untrue. 

“Harley,” Selina surmised. She sighed, curling around Isis as she leaned back against the arm of the couch. Apparently the clown had noticed the items that had gone missing during their last brunch at Harley’s hideout. Selina didn’t understand why she had to go talking out of school about it. If she  _ really _ didn’t want her diamonds stolen, she would have locked them up before inviting over a cat burglar. Or locked them up better, anyway.

Bruce didn’t respond, which was a response in of itself. Any Arkhamite could tell you what that specific glowering silence meant in Bat: a very reluctant “yes.”

“May I ask why you’re breaking and entering?” Selina asked. “Since I haven’t committed any crimes lately.”

None that he would know about, anyway. Selina was covering her tracks more thoroughly as of late. It just wasn’t as fun to be chased across rooftops by a man who was off the market. And though she’d heard that Edward had been somewhat subdued since nabbing Gotham’s most eligible Batchelor, she wasn’t going to test that rumor by sinking her claws into his boyfriend. She’d seen the inside of enough riddle-themed death traps for about nine lifetimes, thanks.

“I’m calling in the favor you owe me,” Bruce said, letting his cape unfurl as he fully dispersed with stealth. 

Selina narrowed her eyes. “You already did. September.”

His shoulders shifted slightly in an almost-shrug. ‘Worth a shot,’ they seemed to say. “Then I’m  _ asking _ for a favor,” he said. 

Interesting. “I’m listening,” she said, pouring as much boredom into her voice as possible. “What do you want?”

He gestured to Isis, who was purring in her arms as Selina stroked her fur. “Felines like you,” he said. “All felines. Up to and including hostile apex predators.”

“Every cat can be a hostile apex predator, with the right encouragement,” Selina said, lifting Isis up for a nuzzle. “Isn’t that right, Miss Kitty?” 

“Hrm,” Bruce said, looking disquieted. “I find myself in need of your expertise.” 

“What happened?” Selina asked, allowing Isis to settle back down in her lap. “Did a lion break out of the zoo?”

Bruce shook his head. “No.”

“Did a tiger break out of the zoo?” 

“No.”

“Did a leopard break out of the—”

“Nothing broke out of the zoo,” Bruce interrupted. His annoyance was palpable, which Selina couldn’t help but enjoy. “The cats in question are no larger than the one on your lap.”

Selina laughed. “Aww, is the Dark Knight having pwoblems with some wittle kitty cats?”

“Yes,” Bruce said without a hint of irony.

Selina raised an eyebrow. She sat up, crossing her legs and giving Isis one last stroke before the cat leapt down to the floor. “If I remember correctly, your youngest is adequate at taming animals of all kinds,” she said. “Surely Damian would be willing to help you charm some housecats for a case?”

Bruce shifted, almost imperceptibly. 

A slow smile overtook Selina’s expression. “Unless it isn’t for a case.”

There was that specific glowering silence again.

The smile turned into a grin. “Oh my god.”

“You do not speak of this to anyone,” Bruce warned.

_ “Query and Echo II?” _ Selina asked, incredulously. 

_ “Anyone,”  _ he repeated in a growl. It was the same tone of voice he used during interrogations. Selina had seen grown men faint dead away at the sound of that tone. Scarecrow himself had once twisted his ankle trying to get away from that gravelly snarl.

Selina tilted her head back, unable to stop her laughter. Bruce glared at her silently until she managed to subdue her mirth.

“Edward’s cats, huh?” Selina marvelled after taking a moment to recover. She wiped a single tear away from her eye. “They don’t like you, I take it.”

Bruce exhaled through his nose. “They do not.”

“And you want me to teach you how to make them like you,” Selina concluded. 

“Yes.”

“Well, first lesson,” Selina said, leaning back and crossing her arms, “that was a test. Which you failed. You can’t ‘make’ cats like you.”

It was impossible to tell under the cowl, but Selina got the sense that Bruce was rolling his eyes. “I made you like me.”

_ “I _ decided to like you of my own volition,” Selina corrected. “Also, who says I like you? You make a lot of assumptions, Mr. Wayne. No wonder Edward’s Siamese friends think so little of you.”

The line of Bruce’s mouth flattened in a way that suggested he was trying to withhold a comment he thought would be counterproductive. 

“Alright, well,” Selina said, steepling her fingers. “First of all, we should clarify that a cat is not a dog. I hope you haven’t been attempting to interact with Query and Echo II the same way you interact with Ace?”

More specific glowering silence. 

“Incredible,” Selina said in wonderment. “Just incredible. Look, Bruce. Dogs are what you would call ‘simple souls.’ They’re undignified, easy-going, and they’ll answer to anything. I would call them the clowns of the animal kingdom, if not for certain personal acquaintances who I wouldn’t dare to disparage with the comparison.”

“Noted,” Bruce said, twitching slightly. God, he was such a dog person. 

Selina hummed approvingly. “Now, some people say you should wait for a cat to come to you,” she said. “Personally, I don’t hold with that. I think it can be beneficial to make first contact. But you should bear in mind that being _ overly  _ familiar is a huge no-no when addressing cats you aren’t friends with yet.”

Bruce nodded. He looked like he was genuinely attempting to commit everything she said to memory, bless his heart. 

“The fastest way to skip to friend status is to buy a cat’s affection with gifts, obviously,” she continued. “The best tokens of esteem are food. Caviar, potted grouse, salmon paste. All cats have their own personal tastes, so it will probably vary between the two of them.”

There was a pause.

Bruce sighed. “You’re paraphrasing  _ Cats  _ the musical.” __

“I am doing that,” Selina agreed.  __

He turned to leave, cape billowing petulantly behind him.

“Wait!” Selina called. “Wait, wait. Bruce, come on. I’m sorry, I was just messing around. I think it’s sweet that you want Eddie’s cats to like you. That’s a cause I can definitely get behind.”

Bruce stopped, one foot out the window. 

“Not another mention of 80’s West End musical theatre will cross these lips,” Selina said, crossing her heart with a diamond-clawed finger. “Hope to die.”

“Well, don’t do that,” he said, stepping back inside of the apartment after a moment’s hesitation. “Given that I doubt you’ll be keeping that promise.”

He was correct to doubt. Selina was absolutely intending to test whether or not she could sneak more into the conversation now that he was wary for them. 

“How’s this,” Selina offered. “One more Andrew Lloyd Webber lyric and you won’t owe me a favor afterwards.”

“Deal,” Bruce said immediately. Maybe she’d pitched that one a little  _ too  _ low. Oh well. This was one favor she didn’t particularly mind offering on the house.

“They’ll never like you as much as they like Edward,” Selina warned. “Siamese cats generally pick out one person to be their favorite and stick to it.”

Bruce nodded with endearing seriousness.

“Alright,” Selina said, getting up to pull her own Siamese from his perch on top of her TV cabinet. “Now, as Otto here can demonstrate, they’re also very intelligent...”


	2. With whatever's kitty-corner.

“You can do better than that, Echo.” 

Edward frowned, setting down his crossword. That wasn’t what he thought it was, was it? He listened more carefully.

“Query got her treat out of the ring seventeen whole seconds faster than you,” came the inexplicable sound from the other room. 

Edward stood up, folding the New York Times and setting it next to the stack of newspapers whose crosswords he’d already finished that morning. He grabbed his coffee mug off the table before heading off to investigate. 

He entered the parlor to find Bruce crouched on the floor with Query and Echo II. The cats were mrowing insistently at the identical plastic puzzles at their paws, tails crooked in the question mark shape that indicated they were feeling playful. 

“Here,” Bruce said. He opened and closed the box in his lap too quickly for the cats to react, then picked up Query’s toy to place a new treat within. “Watch her strategy and improve on it,” he advised Echo as he set the puzzle back down on the ground.

“Are you pitting my cats against each other?” Edward asked, sitting down on a nearby chair to watch the commotion.

Bruce turned around, glancing up at Edward. “A little competition is good for everyone,” he said, reaching out to stroke Echo’s back. She leaned into the touch, purring. “See? She agrees with me.”

“So  _ this _ is why all your children turned out so weird,” Edward observed. 

“I think that was probably the vigilantism,” Bruce said. “Or the trauma.” 

Edward took a sip of his coffee. “So you admit that they’re weird.”

“I wouldn’t bother denying that,” Bruce said, watching Query intently as she flipped the puzzle around between deft brown paws. Echo copied his fixed gaze. “But I’m not blaming it on my encouraging them to be competitive. The competition just means that  _ they  _ can all solve puzzles within five seconds of each other.”

Edward elected to ignore the implied criticism of his cat. It wasn’t exactly news to him, anyway. He was very fond of both Echo II and her criminal namesake, but there was a reason he’d named the more distractible cat after Nina. 

“You timed your children at puzzle solving?” Edward asked, his curiosity piqued. Query mrowed happily as she elicited the treat from the toy, gobbling it up in seconds before leaping up onto Edward’s lap. 

Bruce shrugged. “If bomb defusing counts as puzzle solving.”

“I’ve always considered it as much,” Edward said, scratching between Query’s ears as she burrowed against his green sleep shirt. 

“I thought you might,” Bruce said. He placed a hand between Echo’s shoulders, stroking carefully. “I expect you to have shaved off at least six seconds,” he informed her. “You have the potential to excel here. Make use of it.”

He removed his hand as he set a refilled puzzle in front of her. Echo yowled enthusiastically as she descended upon the toy. 

“At least the enthusiasm is promising,” Bruce said dryly, though Edward thought he detected a pleased undertone in his partner’s usual indifferent deadpan. 

“I wish I was recording this for Nina and Diedre,” Edward lamented. “They always thought the way  _ I  _ played with their successors was absurdly unorthodox.”

Bruce’s eyes briefly flickered up to Edward before returning his gaze to Echo. “I’ve seen you play with them. It’s not that dissimilar.”

“My way generally involves more robotic mice,” Edward said, stroking Query from her head to the tip of her tail. “And less passive aggressive emotional manipulation.”

“You should be proud,” Bruce said. “Most animals aren’t smart enough to benefit from passive aggressive emotional manipulation.”

“Oh no, I’m very impressed with them,” Edward said, scratching underneath Query’s green collar. “I know there’s a significant number of Justice League members who you don’t see as meeting that bar.”

The corner of Bruce’s mouth twitched into the beginning of a smirk, which Edward took as conversational victory. Below him, Echo excised her prize, which she devoured victoriously in a single bite.

“Seven seconds less,” Bruce said approvingly. “Excellent. You’ll be acceptable in no time.”

Echo pawed expectantly and noisily at the treat container.

“Not again, I’m afraid,” Bruce said, picking up the container and tucking it under his arm. “I don’t want to disrupt your feeding schedule. We’ll pick up where we left off tomorrow morning.”

Echo mrowed disapprovingly before jumping up to join Query on Edward’s lap. The pair twined their tails together affectionately. 

“Hmm,” Bruce said, glancing down at them. “Startlingly similar to the real deal.”

“Not exactly,” Edward said, setting his coffee down on the table beside him before a wayward paw could send it flying. “The real deal usually sits on each  _ other’s _ laps.”

“They have the right idea,” Bruce said, leaning in for a kiss. He tasted even more like coffee than Edward did, which presumably meant that he’d already been up for a while. “I’ll be back. I have to put this somewhere they won’t be able to get into it.”

He shifted the box of cat treats under his arm. They looked extremely expensive, based on Edward’s new proximity to the label.

Edward scoffed. “Good luck.”

Bruce’s ghost of a smirk shifted into a full smile. “I imagine it will take long enough for you to clear the chair,” he said. “Ideally there will be room for a second person by the time I return.”

“Brush your teeth!” Edward called after him as he left the parlor. Bruce waved back at him with a gesture that was either acknowledgement or dismissal before disappearing from view. 

Query immediately hopped off his lap to trail Bruce, which was probably not a great sign for the longevity of the treat box’s contents. Echo remained, purring happily at the positive attention Edward was providing. 

“I suppose this means I’ll have to send some kind of thank you to Selina,” Edward mused. “Would it be too gauche to use Bruce’s credit card?”

Echo mrowed in response, rubbing her head against his hand.

“Yes, always better to ask forgiveness than permission,” he said, petting her affectionately. “Now, you know I adore you, but...”

The cat protested as he picked her up, setting her back down on the carpeting. “I know, I know,” Edward said. “I’m a terrible person. Go torment the dog, okay? I’m hoping to have a very busy morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: jovialJuggernaut has drawn some INCREDIBLY cute art based on this fic, definitely do yourself a favor and check it out: https://jovialjuggernaut-draws.tumblr.com/post/639874815163088896/drew-these-based-on-the-fic-forevercloudnine


End file.
